it is quarter to nine in the morning and I have yet to fall sleep. huh, sounds funny? life indeed is funy. one day, you are okay and life is going on with its usual problems and happenings and then suddenly, out of nowhere, a bomb just drops on you and you are left nowhere to go. Yeah, people have much bigger problems in life than my present problem, but then studies is everything that was going to lead me in life. How can I be so stupid? Right now, I don’t know how I am going to face my parents. I have disappointed them big. How can I do this to them? How can I? They are my everything. I have no one except my family and this is what I show them of what I am capable of? What is the purpose of crying? What purpose would it serve? It won’t help you in passing? The thing that most hurts me is the fact that I truly don’t deserve this? I had studied so hard for it, doing the assignments by myself and when the d day comes, what i get is this? How can God be so cruel to me? I know it must be the restult of some really bad things I have done in the past but how bad can they be. God, really, though I was putting other things above studies in my priority list, but I never meant things to come to such a pass. God, you know, I don’t deseve this. You are the one who is pushing us towards materialistic pleasures. Now, what motivation do i get after this? to become a better man? huh?
I don’t know what you have in store for me but let me make it clear – I can’t afford this. Please, please , please God, let me pass this course. I have learnt my lesson, if that was what you meant me to learn. How can you be so cruel? I will be left with nothing, nothing at all in my life. I am not smart looking at all – one of the worst ones in the world, i guess – then I am not good in relationships either, don’t have a female friend on whom I could fall on in such times, not a good personality – can’t talk much in a group, one of the introvert ones, there was just the studies but now you are planning to take that away too. You know what, I am smiling right now!! smiling at the futility of my life – no purpose, no reason. there are just my parents and my brother, for whom i dedicate this life – whatever I do should please them, should make them happy and smile ; and not feel hurt and disappointed with my activities. but that is what you are making them feel and that hurts me. let me tell you , i am not fooling you or myself or any other person – i really love them. it is even more painful these days when i have so much time in the world and as i reflect in the past, (a thing I never did before in my life), I think of all the things that I have done to hurt them. Oh God, How much I wish to undo all those thigns.This is really going to shock them God; please bail me out of this please, please…… don’t you think it would be just too much. I won’t be able to reconcile to this fact God. How will I face them? How would I open my mouth to say that I have failed. I may be making too big a issue of this, but it is indeed very big thing for me God, really, I can’t afford it. Why don’t you understand? I have nothing else in my life now. I don’t have the urge to do anything. All I would think of is this. See, I am not some rich business man’s son that I can afford this and let it remain a small issue. I can’t, okay. I have to work my ass off to earn. My parents did all they can to provide the best foundation any parent could have for his child, and the least I was hoping was to serve them everything they wanted when I start working. But such things just demotivate me. Oh, I am just kinda repeating the things over and over. I am feeling sleepy now. I don’t know why but at present, I can see , as I close my eyes, a person, most probably sitting , with a black cloth over his whole face. I guess, just like a convicted person ready to be executed. Bood scattered all over the screen – my eye. watching too much of smallville i guesss? papa, mummy, I am very very sorry for all this. I never meant to disappoint you. Please believe in me…and just support me as you have always done. There is loads of motivation I need right now to pursue my goals, however the path to those might become a lot more difficult.
I love you very very much. I might say things that might hurt you sometimes but always I never meant to say them like that time during the car ride, I was just being too stubborn and adamant on my point of view that I was creating fiction to support my theory. You know, God, how much I love them – the best persons on the earth.