The title of the post defines my mood. I am really cross with myself and with the way certain things are turning out to be in my life these days. Why is life full of such drastic ups and downs! Mainly downs in my case I guess!
Firstly about the things turning sour for me! When I try to look away from all the things that hurt me; I am happy to notice that there are things that are moving in the right direction for me. Which side weighs more heavily…hmm…I am not sure.
Its not just the question of how the things are turning out to be. The way one handles an event as it comes across is much more important. The amount of perseverance; the amount of hardwork; the amount of resolution you show towards any work determines the outcome that is whether your hardwork will pay off or not. Not just the amount of work you put in but its also about the way or the style one handles the event. You need to be clear right from the start where you aim to reach and the way to achieve it. There might be slight alterations on the way but thats all part and parcel of the game. And this is where I am cross with myself. I just don’t understand the finer nuances of this game. Its not that I have never tried to; I do think and weigh the pros and cons of most decisions I take. But is it enough? Do I even think in the right direction before plunging in any work.
This makes my mind to reel back to my past decisions and I realise that I have acted and taken decisions at the spur of the moment and then never again let the question cross my mind. I just whole heartedly accept my decision and then follow it religiously, no matter what. Then I just make a mental note of my final destination and the path I need to follow to achieve it. Its basically equivalent to a do or die attitude. However, the pain comes when an external agent obstructs the path, shattering all the dreams you had conjured up. This is what really stings deep within the heart and its a feeling that I have very recently begun to feel; or maybe its just now that I am starting to analyse things. Whatever the case, I realise that there are so many carrots dangling in front of your eyes. Any person cannot catch hold of all of them or even the majority. Its all about prioritizing your objectives and going about them in a proper methodical way. However the fact is that I am the sort of person who can just type such sermons (as I love writing), but never be able to follow and actually execute them.
No one knows which decisions are right and suitable for them. Everyone comes across such crossroads. No one knows which path would lead to a brighter future for them. But in the end, I guess, it doesn’t even matter. One can just try to do his best. Time just flies by and in my opinion, even if one tries hard it doesn’t always gives results. A good future is such an abstract concept that I never feel to imagine what “good future” means for me. I don’t even know what I want to do after I graduate from IIT, leave aside the question of thinking of any long term goals. This even foxed me recently when I had to choose a couple of courses from a huge list of courses. Most of my friends chose courses depending upon how they wanted to shape their career; leaving yours truly puzzled behind. In the innermost of my inner feelings, I do have some idea of what I would want to achieve in life; but that is too abstract an idea to keep in mind while deciding courses!!!
I just pray that all the happier things happening all around me should just pause allowing me to savour their sweetness before the time swings back again. And at the same time, I pray for strength that allows me to bear and take “the right decisions” in moments of crisis.