Challenges!

Don’t be bogged down by small obstacles. Focus on the positives. Learn from the negatives. It is better to take two steps forward and one step backward than keeping the focus on the step back.
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"Change"

The amazing thing about books is that it gives you hope – even in the gloomiest of circumstances. The ideas are usually ideal and not always practical – but they give you that glimmer of hope and energy to keep going. As the saying goes, ‘if you are going through hell, just try to keep going’.

That brings me to the book I am currently reading, ‘Switch’ by Chip Heath and Dan Heath, that discuss the practical ways of bringing change, either in professional, personal or societal level.

I need to keep hitting my brain with the suggestions so they become engrained inside me sooner than later. And hence, I am listing them down even before I have finished the book

So far, the biggest takeaways are
(1) having a clear mind about the small steps; small steps lead to bigger things but unless there is clarity about even the small steps – difficult to make the big leap

(2) motivation – catering to the ‘elephant’ needs. This one is tough but need to entice myself with the emotional benefits of the change. Hope for a better future is probably too broad.

(3) creating the situation / laying down the path for the change – book talks about that barriers to change are not usually because of people but due to the situation. Like simply starting with smaller food portions can reduce your calorie intake.

Anyways, I plan to keep track of my thought process while reading the book. Hopefully something finally gets engrained!

And oh btw, I am trying to be positive even at work. Though I am looking for other opportunities, but I am not just going to hang around. I am talking to JJ to make CJS the next big thing and bring more sweeping changes to how we aim to sell our projects. Lets see how all these things work out!

What do I ‘really’ want in life?

Now this is a really tough question and obviously a very clear reference to my current ‘quarter-life’ crisis. Since it is a tough question, there is not an easy answer for sure.

However, I need a plan – because as I learned in my very first grade, a man without ambition is like a ship without rudder. I have always been ambitious. In school, my primary goal was to be ranked one and a secondary objective to participate in many extra-curricular activities. But what do I most remember from school times? Those hours of studying? No. I have fond memories of reading books borrowed from the library. I always get excited reminiscing the weeks when I built the school version of ‘Kaun Banega Crorepati’ and created a venture out of the idea with my own team.

I remember the hours spent in creating my own website – learning how to code and design by myself. I learned how to make a newsletter and spent countless hours in creating and managing content for it.

And then, even at college, spending those countless hours creating graphic designs was incredibly fulfilling and satisfying. Probably more satisfying than even my role as overall coordinator at TnP.

At work, my first year was most fulfilling and maybe the reason I am still at ZS – it allowed me to create and be part of a new practice area where I could contribute and take ownership of right from the start.

Basically it boils down to my passion for ‘building something’ – I need to be part of something  that I can call my own! Something that I  can be put all my heart into and be responsible for its success or failure.

It is killing me now!

Just when I think it cannot get worse, it keeps getting worse. It is just annoying and incredibly frustrating. Today I got rejected from Google even without an interview. In addition, I came to know of a couple of people who got MBA offers; people who “I think” were not as good candidates as I was. I mean – how much worse can it get really. It stings deep!

Telling people of not getting into any MBA school I applied to is frankly embarrassing. One would say – do not worry about what others think – but who are we kidding? We live in a fucking social world – we do everything based on how people are judging us for that. Frankly, I try to avoid thinking about it – but whenever I think about it again, it fucking hurts bad. Right now, everything is crashing. Everything. Every day I wake up with a fucking hope that it might get better. I push myself out of bed hoping to work harder – try harder; but I keep falling. Maybe I am just not good enough. Not smart enough. I hate how I look. I don’t know how to communicate. I am not good at anything important. I truly feel useless. Its all over seemingly.

To avoid digging a deeper hole of depression, I recently started reading. A lot.  If I had read total of five books in last five years, I have already read five in last one month and currently reading another two. It has helped take my mind away from my life crisis.

My favorite so far has been ‘A Fine Balance’ by Rohinton Mistry who paints a vivid but depressing picture of the lives of four main characters. At the end, the key life lesson is to maintain a fine balance between hope and despair – life is incredibly unfair but you have to keep pushing yourself no matter what the situation is.

Anyways, I just need to fucking stop crying and ‘do something’. Anything. But just keep working hard. Whether it is learning R – or applying to more companies – or working with Nirdosh on something I can call my own. Just need to build things now!!! Build something !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just build!