It is killing me now!

Just when I think it cannot get worse, it keeps getting worse. It is just annoying and incredibly frustrating. Today I got rejected from Google even without an interview. In addition, I came to know of a couple of people who got MBA offers; people who “I think” were not as good candidates as I was. I mean – how much worse can it get really. It stings deep!

Telling people of not getting into any MBA school I applied to is frankly embarrassing. One would say – do not worry about what others think – but who are we kidding? We live in a fucking social world – we do everything based on how people are judging us for that. Frankly, I try to avoid thinking about it – but whenever I think about it again, it fucking hurts bad. Right now, everything is crashing. Everything. Every day I wake up with a fucking hope that it might get better. I push myself out of bed hoping to work harder – try harder; but I keep falling. Maybe I am just not good enough. Not smart enough. I hate how I look. I don’t know how to communicate. I am not good at anything important. I truly feel useless. Its all over seemingly.

To avoid digging a deeper hole of depression, I recently started reading. A lot.  If I had read total of five books in last five years, I have already read five in last one month and currently reading another two. It has helped take my mind away from my life crisis.

My favorite so far has been ‘A Fine Balance’ by Rohinton Mistry who paints a vivid but depressing picture of the lives of four main characters. At the end, the key life lesson is to maintain a fine balance between hope and despair – life is incredibly unfair but you have to keep pushing yourself no matter what the situation is.

Anyways, I just need to fucking stop crying and ‘do something’. Anything. But just keep working hard. Whether it is learning R – or applying to more companies – or working with Nirdosh on something I can call my own. Just need to build things now!!! Build something !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just build!

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